What is a gimp?

A gimp can best be described as a sexual submissive who is dressed in a rubber or leather suit that covers the entire body, including the hands and head. Harnesses, gags, posture collars and other restrictive gear is often used to further objectify and subdue the gimp for its Mistress or Master.

A convenient phrase to understand the role of the gimp in BDSM is that all gimps are submissive, but not all submissives are gimps.

Gimps exist as servants, playthings and recipients of torment for their Dominant and must adhere to the 5 S's of Gimpitude:

1. Service - Gimps should always be of service and provide utility to their Dominant 
2. Suffering - Gimps are born to suffer and should offer their pain and discomfort to their Dominant as a gift to the Divine
3. Silence - Gimps should remain quiet unless their Dominant requires them to speak (a gag is often used to prevent noisy gimps from being heard)
4. Storage - When not in use, gimps are often stored away in a cage or box until it is time to "bring out the gimp" (immortalized in the classic scene from the movie Pulp Fiction)
5. Sex Toy - A gimp should always be prepared to be used as a sex toy – all gimp orifices are simply holes to be filled by the Dominant in whatever manner He or She chooses*

Gimps often have a sexual fetish for latex or leather, which helps the gimp to endure the discomfort and restriction of being in the gimp suit, but this fetish is not a requirement to be a gimp. It just makes it more exciting for the wearer.

Being a gimp is the most strenuous, physically-demanding submissive BDSM role that someone can experience, and the capacity to endure sweat, bondage, penetration, sensory-deprivation, physical labour, being used as furniture, and pain are attributes that make the top gimps renowned for their abilities.

A true gimp must not only embody all of the typical attributes of a sexual submissive, but must also do it with a strict code of dress, absolute obedience to their Dominant, and live a lifestyle that perpetuates its role in a D/s relationship. A gimp cannot exist without an Owner, just as a Dominant cannot exist without property. Well, they can, but it's like being called an actor without ever starring in a film or television show.

Being a gimp isn't about an occasional play scene with some latex or leather. True dedication must be shown in and out of the suit. The true gimp must learn how to make its own clothes, fashion its own gear, constantly work to perfect the bondage that it is to be put in, all with the advice and consent of its Dominant. The gimp must be prepared to heed Her or His call, be willing to push itself past its own limits, and always put its Dominant first. The gimp is an object, a possession, and is constantly reminded of this fact. It is led around on a leash, a sign that it is not free. 

The gimp's proper place is on its knees and at its Dominant's feet, completely attentive to Her or Him, ready to receive a command, or capable of kneeling there in place for hours while its Dominant occupies Her or His self or admires the well-behaved rubber creature in front of them. 

For the gimp, there is no better place to be. 

For more on this topic, and to sign up to a growing community of sexual submissives who identify as gimps, check out G.I.M.P. (Guardians of International Masochism and Perversion) at gimp.community  

*Proper negotiation and consent should always be obtained in all BDSM play, whether it involves being a gimp or otherwise. Play should be safe, sane and consensual and only performed by willing, capable participants of sound mind and body and of legal age of consent.

Thoughts on enforced chastity

Recently I was informed that I was to wear a chastity cage for the indefinite future. The conditions provided by my Owner were thus:

Chastity device should be worn daily and proof of pictures with stamped date and time are required at any moments notice. A key should be given to Mistress at the next meeting. When time are needed to unlock the chastity device, for health purposes, cleaning and unforeseen situations, a detailed text message should be sent. For any other reasons, permission is required. 

This was not the first time that I have been put into a chastity cage, but it has been some months since the last period of lockup. I have been "free" since the beginning of October 2021 (after almost of a year of permanent 24/7 chastity, it was deemed "Unlocktober" for me and I was released, and due to other circumstances I never went back in...until now).

I have been wearing the cage for five days now and I will be handing my Mistress the key tomorrow (which I will discuss furter below). The spare key will be secured inside a metal safety cylinder with a numbered cable lock to prevent cheating. Once the key is handed over to Her, my cock - correction, Her cock – will once again be trapped in a steel cage with no escape. 

I am wearing an excellent example of perverted engineering, the Rigid Chastity Model 05 Modular cage w/ PA hook. Made in Poland, it is extremely comfortable and safe, and is an incredible value for the money (compared to other much more expensive North American devices). Their customer service leaves a lot to be desired, and there are many threads on chastitymansion.com complaining about the opaque communication and painfully slow delivery times. However, they eventually deliver and the quality is top notch. Absolutely no complaints. The PA hook which prevents pull-out is absolutely ingenious and makes removing the cage totally impossible without the key or by destroying the cage (which would be a shame, to say the least). In my opinion, any chastity cage meant for strict control is absolutely pointless without a PA piercing and security solution. Without a PA, one can just pull the penis out of the top of the cage when flaccid and masturbate or whatever the slave wants. It can be fun for light play and good if the slave is unable to touch the cage, but for 24/7 unsupervised arrangements, it is amateurish at best.

After I got my Prince Albert piercing in November of 2019 (a procedure that was filmed and posted on Twitter and, at last view, had received 9.3M views...yes, that's million), I stretched from a 10 gauge, to an 8 gauge, and finally a 6 gauge captive bead piercing over a period of about 10 months. Then, in September 2020, I was locked into the cage by my mistress at the time. It would not come off for another seven months. I was given a three-week reprieve, and was locked back in again for five more months. This took me to the Unlocktober freeing mentioned above.

It's quite an experience to not have the ability to touch your own body parts, least of all your privates, and the discomfort every time I get an erection is something that definitely takes getting used to. It is the worst at night, when uncontrolled (and previously unnoticed) nocturnal erections start waking you up in mid-slumber. Experience teaches you how to mentally talk yourself down (literally) and then roll over and go back to sleep (or get up to take a pee). I am usually only woken up once per night, and after a few weeks of wearing a cage I can usually sleep straight through until the morning. When I was first locked in the cage at the very start, I woke up 2-3 times per night. But eventually I got used to it.

During the day, I only notice the cage when I become aroused, or when I need to pee. I have to sit to urinate as the direction of my pee is uncontrollable and I would end up spraying all over the place. Some cages have a urethral insert for better aim but those are not sanitary enough for long-term wear. 

I am fastidiously clean when the cage is on and, unlike many wearers, do not need to remove it for cleaning. I have a system where I scrub the inside of the tube with a tiny, soapy toothbrush while in the shower, and use a chopstick to pull the penis away from the edges to allow water in to rinse. I am able to shave my genitals with the cage on and prefer to be clean in this way for aesthetic reasons. It always smells nice and I have never had an issue with unpleasantness while caged.

The sensation of an erection in a chastity cage is a combination of frustration, discomfort and arousal. The pressure of the penis engorged with blood straining against the confines of the cage is intense at times, with the feeling that one's testicles are going to get pulled off by the ball catcher ring around the scrotum. 

Each pulse of blood and every attempt to pull off the cage (a totally futile activity), is a reminder of being owned, of being trapped and imprisoned inside a jail containing the one thing that makes you a man. When a Mistress puts a cage on Her submissive's cock, She has declared much more than Her control over his mind and body. She has staked Her claim on his sexuality itself. And once you control a man's sexuality, you control everything. 

For a submissive male, this feeling of being owned can be intoxicating. For a true bondage fanatic, it is the next best thing to being bound 24/7. The cage is a reminder that someone else controls their sexual life, and only She decides how and when he feels pleasure, or if he feels anything at all. 

They say that you don't really miss something until it is gone, and the first time your cock is taken away by your Mistress, it's something you don't easily forget.

A locked-up male who is dependent on his Mistress for release is a very well-behaved, docile, obedient creature. He is helpless against this power and, if She is a true Dominant, his subservience in this regard is a drug that never abates.

I don't know how long I will be kept in the cage, or whether it will ever come off. It is in my Mistress' hands and is Her decision. There are likely going to be periods when I need to remove it for safety or sanitary reasons, and She may remove it for humanitarian or merciful reasons (or just to play with Her toy). 

Only time will tell.

Until then, I remain securely locked and under Her control, which is the best place a submissive can be. 

On jealousy

I have never been a "jealous" person when it comes to relationships. When I hear people use the term it usually refers to someone feeling bent out of shape when someone they are connected to emotionally (usually romantically but sometimes platonically) is seen to be receiving the attention of someone else. The connection can be current, or a remnant of a previous, but still smouldering, relationship.

One has to remind oneself that jealousy is an emotion. And like all emotions, it is not rational. In other words, it is not an intellectual realization that can be thought away so easily. When someone feels jealousy, they are being informed by a very primitive and basic part of their brain that undoubtedly served an important purpose in our evolution.

It's important to recognize possessiveness when talking about jealousy in the context of relationships. Jealousy and possession are co-pilots. When you see, for example, your current or ex-girlfriend having a nice (even flirty) conversation with someone else (maybe a potential suitor in your mind), your amygdala goes on alert and you prepare to fight. But what are you fighting for? In the most basic sense, you are fighting for someone who you must feel you have some ownership over. Right? Whether or not you actually believe this in the moment, that is what is happening. As we evolved and took mates, it was beneficial to ward or fight off other individuals who could be competition for your sperm or egg. It made evolutionary sense. But humans have the capacity to move on from this base instinct, and we need to dig deeper into where it comes from to get through the fog of jealous emotions.

When one steps back and considers a feeling of jealousy, and connects it with the instinct of possessing a mate, it becomes very clear that this is a false belief. No one can possess another person, at least not legally in all civilized societies. Of course, in the world of D/s, "owning" a slave or submissive is a very common reality, but is part of the fantasy of the power exchange. A girlfriend, or wife, or close friend, is not something you can ever own. They are their own person, a free agent, who can do whatever they want.

So if we continue on with the characterization of a jealous response as a threat to one's perceived ownership over another, we have to think about why the threat is perceived. Why is it a threat? Anyone you perceive as a threat is obviously someone who possesses the same or better qualities as you, right? Otherwise why would you be worried? A jealous person is reacting emotionally to the idea that the competition will take their possession away. And if we go even further, I would argue that the feeling of a threat is based on a feeling of inadequacy, which goes straight to a lack of self esteem.

Think about it. If you believed that you were not inadequate, you would not perceive the other suitor as a threat at all. What possible concern could you have if you knew that your qualities were not something anyone else could possess in the way you possess them?

So now that we see that jealousy has nothing to do with anyone else but ourselves, we need to examine our self esteem, think hard about what makes us worthy and unique, and start to build ourselves up in our minds and realize that we are all amazing in our own way and that no one could possibly compete with us.

Careful, though, don't let this go to your head. You can be self-confident and humble at the same time. Self-confidence minus humility equals arrogance. And no one likes that.

We've only been talking about jealousy and monogamous relationships to this point, but what happens when we add multiple intimate partners to the mix? Sounds like pouring gasoline on a fire, doesn't it? Unless you have your jealous instincts sorted out, it's a recipe for disaster. And even the most experienced, self-aware, psychologically sound people in poly relationships sometimes get jealous. But they know that this instinct is just that, an irrational emotion based on primitive parts of our brain getting activated. The solution is to identify the emotion, let it in, think about where it comes from and then allow yourself to realize that there is no reason for it. A calm, adult conversation about it usually follows, with perhaps some boundaries set. But there is at least the acknowledgement of something that is not quite right.

I am in a relationship right now (my marriage to my wife of 13 years) where we both have other partners. Her relationship with her other partner is hers and hers alone. It has nothing to do with me. I respect her connection with this man and she respects our marriage and our personal relationship to each other and the family unit. I, too, have had multiple partners, mostly kinky play, and she respects these arrangements for what they are. No one could ever come close to her in my mind in terms of a life partner.

I have also been a submissive in a D/s relationship where there were other slaves in the Domme's domain (harem?). I knew my place and knew that none of the other submissives could ever possibly "replace" me. How could they? I am unique. But so are they. It goes both ways. The attention I received from my mistress was the attention she felt she needed to give me. And if I didn't feel like the amount or quality of attention I received was adequate for my needs, I had the ability to express my feelings and leave the relationship if there was no middle ground

Before concluding, I think it's important to make the distinction between envy and jealousy, as they are different things in my mind. Jealousy is an irrational emotion, whereas envy is more of an intellectual realization of someone else's situation that you would very much like to be in. I experience envy all the time, and am usually successful in focusing instead on the blessings in my life, but also with the knowledge that how you perceive someone else's situation is rarely their reality. That billionaire on the mega yacht might not have a single loving, nurturing relationship in his life and could be on the verge of a mental breakdown from the insane lifestyle he is leading. Who knows?

So if you find yourself feeling jealous, turn your attention away from the people involved and look inward. Ask yourself why you feel this way and what you could do to increase your self esteem. Maybe it's stopping something that makes you hate yourself? Start there and be gentle with your mind and heart. Once you realize that you are enough, and do not need to compete, you will become so much happier and will have the capacity to love more openly, freely and unconditionally.

You can do it.

My first BDSM experience

 When I think of my first BDSM experience, I recall that it when I was in my early 20s (some time ago now). I was working for a company in Alberta installing satellite television systems and met a girl through the girlfriend of one of my co-workers. She was a little rough around the edges, but she was sweet. We went on a few dates and hung around at the bar shooting pool with friends I had just met. 

I can't recall when or how I broached the subject of wanting to be tied up, but it must have gone over well, as I found myself experiencing it shortly before I moved back home to start university in BC. 

I remember lying on my back on the floor, with my arms over my head, and her tying my hands together to one of the legs. She had stuffed my mouth with her panties and gagged me with a bandana. I remember clearly looking at her above me as she lay on the bed gazing at her prey. It was hot. I don't remember how long I was kept like that but I am pretty sure she gave me a blowjob or handjob or something. I had dreamt of being tied up by a women for a long time and had experimented by myself since I was a teen, but this was the first time I had experience it by someone else's hand.

I didn't stick around town for much longer and I remember her being very upset and sad when I told her I was leaving. I had no desire to continue a relationship with her and back in those days you just either got someone's phone number or that was it. I'll always cherish that first memory though, as it affirmed for me that this was a pastime I was definitely interested in.

I wonder how she would remember that experience? If she explored bondage with other partners? Who can say, as I can only remember her first name: Trisha.

My next serious girlfriend who I fell deeply in love with didn't have the same interest and found latex completely bizarre and weird (in a bad way). We lasted three years before finally deciding it was not to be. My heart broken, I vowed never to become seriously involved with someone who wasn't kinky in some way. If you were going to be with me, it meant that you needed to not necessarily share my kinks, but at least be curious about them and be open to exploring. Now look at me. I am living the dream, truly.

Young women, please pay attention...

I had a bizarre and troubling experience today. I was driving down the street and realized that I had forgotten to send an important email, so I saw an opening on the side of the road and pulled in to compose it safely. I saw that there was a young woman in her 20s standing there looking at her phone. 

As soon as I pulled up the curb and put the car in park, she walked up to my car and opened the back door and prepared to get in!

I immediately said, without hesitation, "Oh sorry, this isn't an Uber!" and laughed nervously. She was aghast and apologized profusely and stepped back. Not 15 seconds later another vehicle pulled in behind and she got in and went in her way. One presumes that this was her ride-share.

Besides the hilarity and startling nature of the experience, I was incredulous at the carelessness and trusting nature of this young woman. She just decided to get into the back of a total stranger's car without even knowing who was driving or whether it was the ride she was waiting for.

I wanted to find her and explain that, when you take an Uber, or Lyft, or whatever ride-sharing service you have chosen, you are getting into the personal car of a total stranger. You are not taking public transit, you are not getting into a taxi...you are stepping into a stranger's private vehicle. You need to check the license plate, check the make and model, confirm the name of the driver, and only then make the choice to get into the car.

Ladies, please, this is how you get hurt. This level of carelessness and blind trust is how so many women find themselves in terrible, harmful situations. It's not a good thought, I know, and I wish it were not so. But my god, you need to take better care. I feel good that this young woman was clearly oblivious to her potential risk likely due to the fact that she had no previous experience that would have made her suspicious and cautious. 

Thank the gods that she got into my car, the vehicle of someone who has no ill intentions and wants everyone to just be safe from harm.

It could have been worse. Much worse.

The Myth of the "Lucky" Slave

“He is so lucky.”

This comment on a photo or video happens a lot. It’s usually the reaction to a photo or video of a slave/gimp/submissive being played with by a beautiful Domme.

You know the story. The sentiment behind the comment is likely heartfelt and genuine (and often envious), but the words used may not truly capture the reason that the slave is in the position he is in.

Was it truly luck? Did he win a lottery? Did he just happen to be walking past a dungeon, the Domme also just happening to be outside looking for kinky passers-by who would be willing to star in a fetish clip?

I think you know the answer. Sure, maybe this totally random situation has happened before, but it stands about the same chance of happening as a broken coffee cup spontaneously re-assembling itself, having just been smashed to smithereens on a tile floor.

So if it is not luck that finds the slave in that situation, what is it? What seemingly magical forces have acted upon this individual to place him in this highly-coveted position?

Let me count the ways. But first, let’s quickly examine the nature of the world and how much of a factor luck plays. Of course, luck as a factor depends on your culture. In Chinese culture, for example, luck plays a huge part in daily life, and there are many ways in which the Chinese go out of their way to ward off bad luck and encourage good luck. You might dismiss this as superstition, but that’s just your point of view.

There are some that define luck as being the result of opportunity meeting preparation. In other words, luck is not some random chance event that comes out of nowhere – which is not to say that random chance is never a factor. Rather, luck in this case is the confluence of an active effort to enable a certain result and the patient waiting for the right opportunity to come along.

Does simply preparing for a positive life event manifest that reality? Again, that depends on your world view. Some people are convinced that you can manifest your destiny simply by imagining your future and waiting long enough for it to come to pass. If you have ever heard someone say “Be careful what you wish for,” you can pretty much be guaranteed that this person falls into that camp to some degree.

So, luck is clearly something different for everyone and there is no right or wrong definition. Shit happens no matter what you believe. But I have yet to see a slave in an enviable situation that was a result of random chance or just “plain luck.” Is the slave fortunate? That is to say, is he living a life that is blessed? A life coveted by others who like doing what he does? Absolutely. But even then, fortune is something you pursue and enable. Further, I would even say that being a fortunate person is a state of being that acknowledges the good things over the bad. In this way, feeling or being fortunate is mostly a matter of perspective.

But back to the “lucky” slave. How did he get there? I am generalizing of course, but you can pretty much bet that a number of factors that had nothing whatsoever to do with luck led to the situation he is in. There are steps he likely took, and that others can too, in order to manifest this destiny. Read on.

The first step is being an active player or participant in the BDSM or fetish scene. Participating on Twitter and interacting with other kinksters, joining message boards, starting an Instagram and/or FetLife account, posting photos of play, all of these activities go a long way in creating a persona that demonstrates your commitment to the lifestyle and lends some insight into your personality, desires and fetishes. You won’t be some random dude with zero information about you or your personality. If you were at a fetish event, a polite introduction to a Domme who impressed you was never a bad idea. The offer to buy Her a drink, a friendly bit of conversation, a compliment (or ten) – these things went a long way…and always will. Being a hermit is counter-productive to getting yourself into situations that you look at with envy. Get out there. Be a positive force. Hell, even try to contribute art or entertain others. It all helps.

The second factor is the willingness to be in that situation. Sounds obvious, but this is not the same as just wanting to be in the situation. The slave in the video not only wanted it, but made it clear to the Domme(s) in the photo or video that he was willing to participate in a real way (and in a way that benefited the Domme). Once this willingness was communicated, and the nature of the arrangement was agreed upon (a session in exchange for being the victim, a paid session, personal play, etc.), the rest was up to the Domme. But at least the ball-gag was in Her court.

Third, taking care of your body and mind is a massive indicator of a sane, fun, useful slave. You don’t have to become a health fanatic, and you don’t even need to be slim. But you need to look presentable, smell good, be capable of enduring physical hardship and not act like a dufus when the time comes. Nervousness is allowed, and can be quite endearing, but if you stink and dress shabbily and come across as a creep then you are not even going to get past hello. Work on yourself. Do it for YOU. The payoffs will come in ways you never expected.

Fourth, and by the Goddesses this is probably the most important, be PATIENT. Don’t expect things to happen overnight. It may take years or decades of play and participating in the lifestyle to find yourself living your best kink life. But then the moment might come that changes everything. You might be playing at an event and catch the eye of your future Mistress. So straighten that back, cast those eyes down, and exude submission and pride.

Finally, just like in ANY relationship, the more dedicated and devoted you are, the better chance you will have in getting what you want or need. You must always be conscious of the needs of your Domme and dedicate yourself to Her with as much energy as you can. She is your Goddess, your Alpha, a Supreme Being. She must be treated like a deity and obeyed like a Queen. You must learn what She likes and anticipate Her desires. You must always be willing to suffer for Her and trust that She knows what is best for you. You must be Her ally and a true friend. Remember: the best attract the best.

To summarize:

• Be visible
• Be willing
• Be capable
• Be patient
• Be devoted

Will doing all of these things make you become that “lucky” slave in the video? There are no guarantees. But you can pretty much bet your life savings that the slave in the video or photo didn’t rely on mere luck to get where he found himself.

Becoming a prized personal slave is work. It takes time. It requires humility. It demands resolve. It rewards dedication.

If you ask me, it’s one of the greatest experiences in the world.

So go out there and make your own luck. It’s the best hedge against never experiencing your dreams.

To quote The Oracle in The Matrix, “You’re in control of your own life, remember?”

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This originally appeared in Fetish Dynasty Magazine Issue 5 (released on July 4, 2021). Read the whole magazine for FREE by visiting https://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/2010962

Is heavy rubber and sensory deprivation a way to self-regulate if you have SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder)?

 I am fascinated by my kinks, and the reasons that lie beneath them, and have been pondering how my love of sensory deprivation, long-term heavy rubber bondage, gags, total latex coverage, restriction and other fetishes, might be a result of Sensory Processing Disorder or mild ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). My instincts tell me that there must certainly be some correlation, and this post will explore that.

I recall very clearly when I was a young boy, maybe four years old, and putting on layer after layer of clothes and winter jackets (to the point of almost being immobile), and somehow squeezing myself underneath my bed. As I lay there, wedged between the underside of the mattress and the floor, I remember feeling very good. Almost euphoric. It felt exactly the same as when I am bound in rubber, most likely in a rubber gimp suit and strapped into a heavy rubber sleep sack, hood, gag, muzzle and more. No sight, no ability to speak, or move, just lying there helpless and enjoying the tightness of the gear…floating in a delicious state of being. 

I have always had peculiar tastes, disliking certain foods for no particular reason, being startled very easily, having extreme powers of concentration, experiencing pain in ways that are for more intense than your average person, yet possessing the ability to maintain composure under enormously serious situations (but sometimes losing my mind if I stub my toe or break a dish), the list goes on. I remember as a boy repeating musical patterns in my head, or humming the tune over and over, or tapping the same sequence of finger beats on a table or my leg (“stimming”). I can’t stand the sound of a bathroom or heating fan on in the house (it builds and builds until I must turn if, to great relief). I was (and remain to a lesser degree) afflicted with an irrepressible need to flex finger or arm joints, or my jaw, for no reason other than I just have to satisfy this compulsion. When I was a kid I could walk into a house and tell immediately if a television was on in another room (we’re talking about the old tube TVs here) even if the volume was turned off – I could hear the high-pitched frequency of the set when no one else could. I couldn’t get to sleep if there was any light shining into my room, but I was terrified of the dark. I have always had a lot of musical ability, and turned this to my advantage in band during high school where I was a member of the local high school’s stage band when I was still in middle school. Yet, I was terrible at math, but extremely good at spelling and writing. If I am interested in a topic, I can absolutely devour knowledge and bring myself up to a level of competence in a couple days that others might not achieve over weeks of investigation. I can retain facts and random knowledge for no apparent reason, but can’t remember someone’s name unless I use it at least three times.

I could go on, but it suffices to say that the characteristics above could certainly make a compelling case that I am somewhere on the spectrum, likely suffering from SPD and ADD as well. The symptoms and my ability to overcome them have certainly changed over the years, and I am just now starting to put the pieces together about my psychology and the manifestations of the lovely smorgasbord of peculiarities that live between my ears. 

So as I reflect on all of this, I relate it to my love – nay, need – for sensory deprivation and heavy rubber bondage. Surely (I promise to never call you Shirley), these activities must satisfy a need to reduce the sensory inputs to a bare minimum, while adding a tightness all over my body. The physical sensation of being wrapped up, enclosed, blinded, and muted, resets the part of my brain that is barely coping with all of the sensory stimuli that threatens to overload my brain at all times. And when the only sensation remaining is touch, and the only places left to touch me are my nipples and cock, then the sensations are amplified and extremely pleasurable. Imagine my body being an audio engineer’s mixing board, with the sliders each controlling a particular sense. Being put in a sleep sack and hooded and gagged is like my Mistress taking the sight, tasting and smelling sliders to zero, and jacking the touch and hearing all the way to 10.

I have never really associated these fetishes and kinks to my psychology in this way and it is fascinating to do so. I wonder how many other heavy rubberists can relate to my experience? If you are one, please comment and let me know.

Top/bottom & Domme/sub…what’s the difference?

The terms Top/bottom and Dominant (Domme or Dom)/submissive (sub) are bandied about a lot in the kink community. I am sure there are hundreds of opinions on what the difference is, but I would like to take an opportunity to express how I see the various dynamics.

Both dynamics are characterized by a power exchange in a sexual context. Whether you are a Top or a Domme, you are in charge and are expected to be the one directing the scene. If you are a bottom or sub, you are expected to obey the rules (arguable for the former - more on this below) and receive the torment, teasing, beating, and instructions of your Top or Domme.

For me the distinction between a Top and Domme (and bottom and sub) is quite straight-forward. You just have to ask yourself if the dynamic exists outside of a play scene. If, after a scene, the person in charge is till in charge, even (and especially) in public or non-kink settings, then they are definitely a Domme. If, after the scene, the person who was in charge has no control over the other participant, or interacts with the participant in a peer-like way, then they are, I would argue, a Top.

In that sense then, being a Domme is a state whereby the submissive remains submissive in play and in life. They do not share an equality outside of a dungeon or scene. The sub must show respect, obedience, subservience and obey their Domme whenever possible. And if they are in a setting where the dynamic must remain discreet, there is an understanding that this is a temporary situation at best.

If you play with someone and you are not in charge, and after the scene you return to a relationship where there is no power exchange, or even potentially discuss switching roles, then the dynamic is most certainly one in which you are a bottom.

I would say that it is totally possible for a person to Top with someone else, and remain a submissive to another. Being submissive to multiple Dommes is a rare thing, and one should consider whether this is a Domme/sub dynamic at all should a person find themselves doing this.

Indeed, a bottom might not even submit, instead acting as a brat, daring the Top to take control. 

A submissive can bottom to another Top but not submit, as well. 

So, let’s recap: Dommes never submit, Tops sometimes bottom or submit, bottoms sometimes Top or Domme/Dom, and subs never Domme/Dom but sometimes Top.

Clear as mud? Now get on your knees! Wait, maybe I am supposed to do that…We need to talk. 

Hi, You look nice today :-)

Thus begins this blog. Not sure where it will go or what it will contain, but I hereby promise it will be unfiltered (with a concerted effort to remain in somewhat good taste) and honest. I enjoy writing so this should be a pleasure. 

Today, Monday April 11, 2022, is a different day than many I have had. Today is the first Monday in my entire professional and working career (25+ years) that I begin the week after being “let go” at a job. I was informed on April 7, 2022, that, due to “corporate restructuring,” my position had been eliminated at the large telco for whom I had worked for almost three years. My services were no longer needed.

After the total shock had worn off, and I had informed my wife of the news, I started to feel excited about the future, especially considering the generous severance package and extension of my very competitive extended benefits package. I would also receive five months of service from an outplacement agency that assists people in my situation in obtaining new employment (or retirement, if they qualified). Retirement being a long way off unless I win the lottery, I will certainly take advantage of the opportunity to explore new adventures.

I wasn’t happy at my previous job and perhaps they could sense it. I don’t bear any ill will towards the company. Businesses have to do what they have to do. My copper handshake (far from golden, but still worth something), provides some runway to get a new start. I am not sure if I will be pursuing full time employment or re-invigorating my freelancing business I ran before my son was born (about a decade ago). I sure would love to be self-employed again. I was never happier than when I was operating my own business, a digital gun-for-hire. setting my own schedule, enjoying total flexibility with my time. I worked anywhere, anytime, as much or as little as I chose. Sure there were days when I blew off work and did something fun, but there were other days, some in a row, where I worked 12-16 hours a day to finish a project that was handed to me already on fire and late. I always came through and this reputation allowed me to contract out to various ad agencies for quite a few years. 

So, we’ll see where this goes. My experience over the last 10 years has provided me with a business acumen, corporate proficiency and hopefully enough experience to at least get an audience with an employer so that I can attest to my value. 

As far as the name of this blog goes, well, I will let the reader discern the meaning behind it. I am currently on a journey of discovery of my own psychology and will write on occasion about the nuances, challenges, and triumphs of living a kinky life and navigating this crazy world with symptoms of a neurodivergent brain. 

Off we go, like a turd of hurdles.