Wednesday, July 27, 2022

Reflections on the 2022 Vancouver Fetish Weekend

Sun. Sweat. Sexiness. Rubber. Fun. Friendship. 


Did I mention sweat? Maybe that's just me.

This is the Vancouver Fetish Weekend in a nutshell. I am still decompressing after an absolutely phenomenal weekend. Once again, Vancouver weather absolutely came through (I can't actually remember a VFW with crappy weather) and after a three-year hiatus, the event proved itself worthy of belonging on the international fetish event calendar.

Starting with the Thursday night meet and greet, I got dressed up in my leather catsuit that I made last October and have only worn one time since (Halloween). It's such a different vibe in leather. Equally as hot in latex, but you notice the sweat more. The leather gets wet and you can tell. With latex the material is so tight on your skin that you can't really tell the fabric from your own body...except the sweat that pours out of every crease and opening (for me, anyway).

It was so great to see a bunch of people I hadn't connected with in years, including Observer and playfulrubberdoll and a host of others. It's hard to fathom the amount of time that the pandemic occupied and ruined in terms of social interaction, and I carried with me the appreciation for personal contact throughout the weekend. 

Friday night at the Imperial was fairly typical in terms of the vibe (it's the home of the monthly Sin City fetish nights) but what made it special was being at my first fetish night with Mistress Miko. It felt so good to be on Her leash and we spent the evening relaxing and enjoying the occasional conversation and some play in between observing the other kinksters strutting around in their finery. 

I skipped the Saturday photo walk and instead arrived at Mistress Miko's hotel room early to help set up for a shiny gathering of some sexy rubberist friends. After getting rubberized, the guests showed up and we enjoyed some time in conversation and taking photos. 

What a delicious crew!

We headed to the venue by foot (it was only 5 minutes away) and were impressed with the space. It's a huge room with an amazing stage and sound system. It could have easily fit another thousand people in there, though that would have been a bit much. I wore my pony gear for part of the night and, despite modifications to my Punitive Shoes pony boots, I was only able to last around 30 minutes before tapping out from exhaustion and leg soreness (and to allow Mistress Miko to enjoy Her evening instead of caretaking a semi-crippled human pony). I am still stiff. I'll need to find some more sensible pony shoes for club nights. After we left late, Her and I adjourned to Her hotel room and talked until 5:30 am. I drove home as the sun came up and noted how rare it was that I had the sun in my eyes when driving East. 

After another night of not enough sleep, I woke up and prepared for the Sunday Fetish Cruise. Always a winner of an event, I couldn't wait to get out on the water in latex surrounded by amazing weirdos and fantastic music. We boarded and spent the next three hours conversing, dancing, observing, playing, flirting and just in awe at the surroundings and situation. If you only go to one event at VFW, make it the cruise. It is not to be missed! I experience being an ashtray for the first time (actually having the cigar ashed in my mouth and being put out on my tongue). It wasn't nearly as gross as I thought it would be (was really no big deal!) and I looked forward to doing it again. I won't lie, but it helped to be clamped and gagged and facing a beautiful Mistress in latex while it happened. I know. Shocker.

Overall the weekend was a great success, and I have to throw massive kudos to Isaac and Trish for putting it together in only five months. A monumental effort and something they make look easy time after time. 

This year was also the first VFW that I experienced as a local. I moved to Vancouver with my family in the summer of 2020 but, due to Covid, the 2020 and 2021 editions were cancelled. It was super nice to sleep in my own bed every night and save an absolute shit tonne of money in hotels. Vancouver is hideously expensive to visit in the summer months and I truly admire and appreciate the out-of-towners who made the effort to join us!

As always, I made some new friends, and I think this is the true legacy of big parties like this. Some people you see over and over at fetish events, and then one day you chat and realize that you have so much in common. It happens organically in most cases, and the community that arises out of our shared love of latex, hedonism, playfulness, respect, openness, and depravity keeps us together even when we are apart.

We are all seeking (whether consciously or not) connection – a bond with others that gives us the strength to share our true selves and express our deepest, most taboo natures. This is what the fetish community fosters and what we all need to protect. Congregating in large numbers and celebrating our kinks is one of the most enjoyable things we can do. We all have something special to offer and knowing that we can all absolutely rock our magic without judgement is just so fucking amazing.

On a personal level (and without getting into too much detail), I relished in the confidence I have been able to build since the winter and the freedom that comes with realizing one's self-worth and not selling one's self out. There are people who will try to use and manipulate you and, if you let them, they will take everything. Fuck those people. You deserve better.

See you in 2023, but hopefully sooner!

Friday, June 3, 2022

On wearing latex in public

Wearing latex in public is one of my favourite things to do. It’s an exciting and titillating way to wear rubber and something I have done on a number of occasions around the world. And when I say wearing latex, I mean head-to-toe, total coverage. Catsuit, hoods, gloves, the whole enchilada. 

I know lots of other kinksters and fetishists who enjoy this as well, and there are few things as fun as a bunch of us gearing up and going out into public, usually downtown in a major city. Sometimes there is an occasion, such as the Montreal Fetish Weekend’s Photo Walk (an absolute blast, but make sure you are prepared for high heat and humidity), and the Vancouver Fetish Weekend Fetish Cruise. There’s no hiding fetish outfits under baggy clothing, no change room once you are inside the club. It’s all out in the open, front and center. Anonymity is basically guaranteed if you are wearing a hood. Once you realize that no one outside of your fetish friends has a clue who you are, you tend to relax and really enjoy it.

I have been walked around on a leash as well - collared, cuffed and coming to heel to my Mistress or whoever is leading me along. It’s super exciting and really appeals to my submissive nature. I love to observe the expressions of the public and passers-by who often don’t even seem to notice. In my experience, there are three main types of reactions:

  1. The Tunnel Vision - these people have no reaction, and don’t even look. Whether they are avoiding looking or are literally so absorbed in their world that they don’t even see it, who knows. 
  2. The Double Take - these people notice and look and casually glance away before jerking their heads and staring. It takes a second for their brains to register something truly odd and then literally do a double-take, like in cartoons.
  3. The High Five - These people are the best. They are very vocal and supportive and immediately express their delight at our appearance and sometimes ask if they can have their photo taken. It’s super fun and reassuring. It all adds up to a life less ordinary and many people absolutely love that.

I have almost never been cat-called or ridiculed or verbally abused when all dressed up. I definitely make sure that I only go out in public in my gear in environments where I know there will be general acceptance (waltzing into a shitkicker bar in rural Texas is probably never going to happen), but I am still amazed at how few times I have had a bad experience.

I’ve gone into restaurants on a leash and have spent the meal kneeling at the table beside my Mistress and waiting for permission to eat or drink. In every single instance, the wait staff have been hugely supportive and have expressed their delight at the scenario. Only once has anyone asked me to tone it down, and this was in a nice lunch spot in Long Beach, California, where the manager came up to us and said they we were making some of the other patrons uncomfortable and requested that I take my hood off and sit at the table. I of course complied. Our server turned out to be kinky and we had a blast talking about bondage and rope. 

There are, however, people in the fetish scene that frown heavily on latex in public, and make the claim that, by wearing latex and fetish clothing in public (especially when on a leash or in gimp gear), I am violating the public’s consent by involuntarily including them in sexual play. I disagree with this perspective, mainly because I don’t think that anyone outside of the scene who doesn’t have a fetish for latex relates my appearance to something sexual. If you don’t fetishize something, then you have absolutely no clue why someone else would associate sexual pleasure from its appearance or by putting it on. Take feet, for example. I have absolutely no bloody clue why someone would find feet sexually arousing. I just don’t get it. At all. Yet there are those who are totally obsessed and turned on by feet, and spend their whole lives worshipping them, fantasizing about being given foot jobs and looking at photos. For me, feet are just parts of the human body that allow bipedal locomotion, and it isn’t until someone puts on sexy shoes or boots do things get interesting. The tighter and shinier, the better, of course. 

To me, this disapproval is an indication of the shame that the critic has about their own sexuality. They are uncomfortable with it, clearly, and can only imagine this kind of thing in the privacy of their own home or in a club at a fetish night. Their inability (or refusal) to see these antics as innocent fun is telling. I know people who are concerned by children seeing this kind of thing, but I would remind them that if you are taking your young child out in a major metropolitan downtown core, those kids are going to be exposed to far more traumatic things than a man in a gimp suit. They will see the homeless, the insane, the drunks, all manner of loud and boisterous individuals who are potentially dangerous, least of all disturbing.

I might appear like a superhero to them, for all I know, and I must state that I am fully clothed at all times. There is no nudity, no exposed genitalia. While I am, without a doubt, dressed in a very odd fashion, there is nothing obscene about it. How does my attire differ from someone in a wetsuit? There is an equal amount of skin showing. 

And who knows, perhaps me being out with a beautiful woman similarly dressed in latex is the trigger for some young person who is hard-wired to be a fetishist but has never been exposed to it before. I just hope that this young person isn’t shamed into hiding it and denying their passions and obsessions. Whether you like them or not, they are there, and the healthier and more accepting we are about them, the better. It is doing no one any harm.

As a father of a boy who is only a couple years away from puberty, I can relate to the shame aspect and find myself becoming very uncomfortable at just the thought of a part of my kink life spilling over into my home life. But I remind myself that this shame has nothing to do with anything but my own childhood shame about my sexuality and the conflict that arises whenever the two worlds collide. I like to keep things separate but I also realize that he is going to be exposed to a lot of things in his life that he doesn’t understand. It is my job as a parent to shepherd him through his early years and explain things as best I can. If he sees something and has questions, I will answer them truthfully and in a manner appropriate to where he is in that moment. 

But what I won’t do is express my disdain or disapproval in front of him at someone out in public who is doing no one any harm and doing nothing illegal. He can form his own opinions and ask me whatever questions he likes, which is what every parent should do. What are your thoughts? Please comment below. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Visiting Anna Rose for

Recently I had the absolute pleasure of visiting Anna Rose at her dungeon to film some clips for To my delight, I had discovered she lived only a few hours’ drive from me and I immediately reached out to her to inquire about her dungeon. After a few weeks of friendly chats, we scheduled a weekend and I crossed the border to go see her.

I arrived at her house, and was warmly welcomed by Anna. Once I had loaded my gear into the house, we poured a drink and chatted for a bit on her deck overlooking the ocean. The view was spectacular and the weather was perfect (a rarity in our part of the world for May).

Once we had finished our drinks, she led me downstairs to the dungeon. I knew even as I walked down the stairs that this was going to be something special. The smell of latex that filled my nostrils as I entered the main area invoked feelings of intense pleasure and anticipation. I then found myself surrounded by the most amazing bondage and fetish gear I have ever seen. My eyes could barely process what I was seeing as I took in the many, many rubber and steel contraptions, equipment, masks, restraints, gags, tubes, hoses, rubber clothes and all manner of kinky apparatus. This must be what Heaven looks like for a rubber and bondage fetishist, I thought. Checking to make sure I hadn’t died and gone to the perverted afterlife, I was shown a secondary room with even more equipment, including the bed I would be sleeping in for the next two nights. Imagine that - sleeping surrounded by the most amazing kink equipment you have ever seen, breathing in the sweet ambrosia of rubber, staring at the device you would be put into the next day for some rubber torment.

We eventually went back upstairs to drink some wine. We went to bed feeling no pain.

The next morning I woke up in the dungeon, at first wondering if I was dreaming, but then remembering the reason I was there. My cock grew in my cage and I got up to have a shower and say good morning. After some coffee and a discussion on what she had planned, I started to get dressed in my gimp gear and she got ready as well.

I must say a huge thanks to @tinyhandstacoma (Twitter) for filming. He did a great job and all of the screen caps that follow are taken from his footage. 

When it was time to film, I sat down in a Style Fetish bondage chair wearing my steel ball mitts and Punitive Shoes pony boots. Anna locked my ankles and wrists to the frame and cinched me back using three seat belt restraints. My thighs were similarly strapped down. I was not going anywhere.

She strapped a steel tongue depressor bit gag deep into my mouth and immediately drool started to flow. Added to the pre-cum already dripping from my chastity cage, my saliva made a bit of a mess. Gimps can be that way.

She unzipped my nipples and teased them for a few minutes, striking them with her crop before clamping them with the clover clamps I had modified for extra bite. She expressed a small amount of shock at how tight they were. Not every day can you impress someone like Anna Rose! Taking a rubber cock that would eventually be used again in a similar fashion, she pushed it into my mouth over the steel bit and slowly fucked my mouth.

She had earlier stuffed my ass with another rubber cock attached to a fuck machine that came up from below. Taking the controller, she activated it and stood back as the device penetrated me relentlessly. 

After she had some fun with my predicament, it was time to change things up. She removed my chastity cage and replaced the steel bit gag with a Hot Steel Toys deep throat pony gag. This absolutely ingenious and diabolical device keeps a rubber dildo sitting just beyond the point where one starts to gag, and can be slid further into the throat using straps on either side. Effective, brutal, incredible. 

Taking a Hitachi, she vibed my cock, teasing me mercilessly while tugging on my nipple clamps. But this was just the beginning. She brought out a Tremblr and amped things up. She slid the sheath attachment over my cock and attached it to the slider that sat in front of my crotch. Hooking up the vacuum pump and turning it on, the sheath slid up and down on the rail, hands-free. She stood back and admired her work. The drool flowed.

Removing the deep throat trainer, she attached a latex face restraint to the rail over my head and slid it back, pinning my head to the neck bolster that prevented me from moving. As the rubber mesh pressed into my face, I felt whatever freedom I had remaining slip away. She then attached another fuck machine to the rail and adjusted it so that my mouth would be penetrated by the rubber cock she had attached to the machine.

Once she was satisfied, she activated the machine and forced me to perform a blowjob. In and out it went, pressing back into my throat, forcing my lips apart and leaving no doubt as to what I had become. My ass stuffed and throat penetrated by machines, I had been reduced to a rubber fuck object. 

After what seemed like hours of torment, she had decided that it was time to conclude the scene. Taking the Hitachi, she vibed my cock and edged me for an eternity. I begged to be allowed to cum and she eventually granted me permission. I felt the orgasm building and focused on the rubber cocks penetrating my mouth and ass and came hard and long. 

She removed my nipple clamps and left me there, panting and dripping. I was eventually released and we cleaned up. 

This was one of the most incredible sexual and kink scenes of my life and I am so grateful for the experience. Anna Rose is a legend, and her skill and equipment is only outmatched by how warm and fun she is. Her facility is absolutely world class and is operated by an elite Dominatrix. 

10/10 can recommend. Life is good, my friends. 

Make sure to watch for the clip on in the coming days! 

Wednesday, May 18, 2022

Consent is non-negotiable in BDSM play

There was a time in my life when I thought that the process of obtaining consent in a BDSM scene meant that I wouldn’t be able to have as much fun. I thought that negotiating a scene and talking about what I wanted to do and what the other person wanted to do was somehow removing the spontaneity of the interaction. I wanted to surprise my play partner with the many demented and perverted ideas I had decided on acting out for the scene. 

This attitude, of course, was full of pitfalls and opened the door wide for a potential violation of any consent I was given, and I unfortunately learned after one session that I had done just that. I found out about it a couple weeks later when she explained to me how uncomfortable she had felt during a part of the evening. I was completely shocked and horrified and spent the next couple years feeling absolutely sick about it. I eventually forgave myself and had decided right after it happened to never, ever allow something like that to happen again. 

So what of this idea that negotiating and consent is somehow taking away from some undefinable magic of a BDSM session? Even if you feel this way (and I intend to argue against why you should), it doesn’t matter. Regardless of how you feel, the person you are playing with needs to know the kinds of things that you, as the top, want to do. They need to know these things so they can tell you in advance if something is a trigger, or too scary, or beyond the scope of their limits. The mistake I made was thinking that this conversation took something away from the eventual performance, like peeking behind the curtain at a play. But it doesn’t have to be.

I liken the negotiation and gaining of consent before a BDSM scene to a server in a restaurant describing to you the various dishes in a chef’s plate meal. You are fully aware of what is coming, and can let the server know right away if there is something that you might find distasteful, or even if something might trigger an allergy. But does this in any way make the food less delicious? Of course not. There is still so much opportunity for mystery and surprise when you get the food. You know the type of dish and the ingredients, but how the chef (or in our case, the top) decides to combine these elements into something wonderful is totally an example of their talent and art in action. 

Plus, talking about the things you want to do or experience with each other before a session can be super fucking hot. It’s a form of foreplay, and a way to get the creative juices flowing. Often times the bottom will have ideas of their own to enhance the top’s plan or even surprise the top with wanting to take something even further. You’ll never know until you talk about it. 

Now, the people out there who intentionally violate consent or totally disregard its importance are just plain assholes. Or even worse, they are harmful. Mistakes happen and sometimes lines get crossed, and I think we should all try to cut someone some slack for something that was not intended (if there is clear remorse and an apology) but even this has its limits. Some infractions go too far, and ultimately it doesn’t matter how sorry someone is if they clearly violated someone’s consent and harm was done.

So, just get it into your head that negotiation and consent is absolutely mandatory and that you cannot play without it. Even people who have played together for years sometimes fuck up. Just because you think you know each other well, you can never assume that you can disregard proper negotiation. People change, limits change, nothing stays the same forever. 

So, become – and stay – safe, sane and consensual. And keep it sexy. 

Thursday, April 21, 2022

What is a gimp?

A gimp can best be described as a sexual submissive who is dressed in a rubber or leather suit that covers the entire body, including the hands and head. Harnesses, gags, posture collars and other restrictive gear is often used to further objectify and subdue the gimp for its Mistress or Master.

A convenient phrase to understand the role of the gimp in BDSM is that all gimps are submissive, but not all submissives are gimps.

Gimps exist as servants, playthings and recipients of torment for their Dominant and must adhere to the 5 S's of Gimpitude:

  1. Service - Gimps should always be of service and provide utility to their Dominant 
  2. Suffering - Gimps are born to suffer and should offer their pain and discomfort to their Dominant as a gift to the Divine
  3. Silence - Gimps should remain quiet unless their Dominant requires them to speak (a gag is often used to prevent noisy gimps from being heard)
  4. Storage - When not in use, gimps are often stored away in a cage or box until it is time to "bring out the gimp" (immortalized in the classic scene from the movie Pulp Fiction)
  5. Sex Toy - A gimp should always be prepared to be used as a sex toy – all gimp orifices are simply holes to be filled by the Dominant in whatever manner He or She chooses*

Gimps often have a sexual fetish for latex or leather, which helps the gimp to endure the discomfort and restriction of being in the gimp suit, but this fetish is not a requirement to be a gimp. It just makes it more exciting for the wearer.

Being a gimp is the most strenuous, physically-demanding submissive BDSM role that someone can experience, and the capacity to endure sweat, bondage, penetration, sensory-deprivation, physical labour, being used as furniture, and pain are attributes that make the top gimps renowned for their abilities.

A true gimp must not only embody all of the typical attributes of a sexual submissive, but must also do it with a strict code of dress, absolute obedience to their Dominant, and live a lifestyle that perpetuates its role in a D/s relationship. A gimp cannot exist without an Owner, just as a Dominant cannot exist without property. Well, they can, but it's like being called an actor without ever starring in a film or television show.

Being a gimp isn't about an occasional play scene with some latex or leather. True dedication must be shown in and out of the suit. The true gimp must learn how to make its own clothes, fashion its own gear, constantly work to perfect the bondage that it is to be put in, all with the advice and consent of its Dominant. The gimp must be prepared to heed Her or His call, be willing to push itself past its own limits, and always put its Dominant first. The gimp is an object, a possession, and is constantly reminded of this fact. It is led around on a leash, a sign that it is not free. 

The gimp's proper place is on its knees and at its Dominant's feet, completely attentive to Her or Him, ready to receive a command, or capable of kneeling there in place for hours while its Dominant occupies Her or His self or admires the well-behaved rubber creature in front of them. 

For the gimp, there is no better place to be. 

For more on this topic, and to sign up to a growing community of sexual submissives who identify as gimps, check out G.I.M.P. (Guardians of International Masochism and Perversion) at  

*Proper negotiation and consent should always be obtained in all BDSM play, whether it involves being a gimp or otherwise. Play should be safe, sane and consensual and only performed by willing, capable participants of sound mind and body and of legal age of consent.

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

Thoughts on enforced chastity

Recently I was informed that I was to wear a chastity cage for the indefinite future. The conditions provided by my Owner were thus:

Chastity device should be worn daily and proof of pictures with stamped date and time are required at any moments notice. A key should be given to Mistress at the next meeting. When time are needed to unlock the chastity device, for health purposes, cleaning and unforeseen situations, a detailed text message should be sent. For any other reasons, permission is required. 

This was not the first time that I have been put into a chastity cage, but it has been some months since the last period of lockup. I have been "free" since the beginning of October 2021 (after almost of a year of permanent 24/7 chastity, it was deemed "Unlocktober" for me and I was released, and due to other circumstances I never went back in...until now).

I have been wearing the cage for five days now and I will be handing my Mistress the key tomorrow (which I will discuss furter below). The spare key will be secured inside a metal safety cylinder with a numbered cable lock to prevent cheating. Once the key is handed over to Her, my cock - correction, Her cock – will once again be trapped in a steel cage with no escape. 

I am wearing an excellent example of perverted engineering, the Rigid Chastity Model 05 Modular cage w/ PA hook. Made in Poland, it is extremely comfortable and safe, and is an incredible value for the money (compared to other much more expensive North American devices). Their customer service leaves a lot to be desired, and there are many threads on complaining about the opaque communication and painfully slow delivery times. However, they eventually deliver and the quality is top notch. Absolutely no complaints. The PA hook which prevents pull-out is absolutely ingenious and makes removing the cage totally impossible without the key or by destroying the cage (which would be a shame, to say the least). In my opinion, any chastity cage meant for strict control is absolutely pointless without a PA piercing and security solution. Without a PA, one can just pull the penis out of the top of the cage when flaccid and masturbate or whatever the slave wants. It can be fun for light play and good if the slave is unable to touch the cage, but for 24/7 unsupervised arrangements, it is amateurish at best.

After I got my Prince Albert piercing in November of 2019 (a procedure that was filmed and posted on Twitter and, at last view, had received 9.3M views...yes, that's million), I stretched from a 10 gauge, to an 8 gauge, and finally a 6 gauge captive bead piercing over a period of about 10 months. Then, in September 2020, I was locked into the cage by my mistress at the time. It would not come off for another seven months. I was given a three-week reprieve, and was locked back in again for five more months. This took me to the Unlocktober freeing mentioned above.

It's quite an experience to not have the ability to touch your own body parts, least of all your privates, and the discomfort every time I get an erection is something that definitely takes getting used to. It is the worst at night, when uncontrolled (and previously unnoticed) nocturnal erections start waking you up in mid-slumber. Experience teaches you how to mentally talk yourself down (literally) and then roll over and go back to sleep (or get up to take a pee). I am usually only woken up once per night, and after a few weeks of wearing a cage I can usually sleep straight through until the morning. When I was first locked in the cage at the very start, I woke up 2-3 times per night. But eventually I got used to it.

During the day, I only notice the cage when I become aroused, or when I need to pee. I have to sit to urinate as the direction of my pee is uncontrollable and I would end up spraying all over the place. Some cages have a urethral insert for better aim but those are not sanitary enough for long-term wear. 

I am fastidiously clean when the cage is on and, unlike many wearers, do not need to remove it for cleaning. I have a system where I scrub the inside of the tube with a tiny, soapy toothbrush while in the shower, and use a chopstick to pull the penis away from the edges to allow water in to rinse. I am able to shave my genitals with the cage on and prefer to be clean in this way for aesthetic reasons. It always smells nice and I have never had an issue with unpleasantness while caged.

The sensation of an erection in a chastity cage is a combination of frustration, discomfort and arousal. The pressure of the penis engorged with blood straining against the confines of the cage is intense at times, with the feeling that one's testicles are going to get pulled off by the ball catcher ring around the scrotum. 

Each pulse of blood and every attempt to pull off the cage (a totally futile activity), is a reminder of being owned, of being trapped and imprisoned inside a jail containing the one thing that makes you a man. When a Mistress puts a cage on Her submissive's cock, She has declared much more than Her control over his mind and body. She has staked Her claim on his sexuality itself. And once you control a man's sexuality, you control everything. 

For a submissive male, this feeling of being owned can be intoxicating. For a true bondage fanatic, it is the next best thing to being bound 24/7. The cage is a reminder that someone else controls their sexual life, and only She decides how and when he feels pleasure, or if he feels anything at all. 

They say that you don't really miss something until it is gone, and the first time your cock is taken away by your Mistress, it's something you don't easily forget.

A locked-up male who is dependent on his Mistress for release is a very well-behaved, docile, obedient creature. He is helpless against this power and, if She is a true Dominant, his subservience in this regard is a drug that never abates.

I don't know how long I will be kept in the cage, or whether it will ever come off. It is in my Mistress' hands and is Her decision. There are likely going to be periods when I need to remove it for safety or sanitary reasons, and She may remove it for humanitarian or merciful reasons (or just to play with Her toy). 

Only time will tell.

Until then, I remain securely locked and under Her control, which is the best place a submissive can be. 

Friday, April 15, 2022

On jealousy

I have never been a "jealous" person when it comes to relationships. When I hear people use the term it usually refers to someone feeling bent out of shape when someone they are connected to emotionally (usually romantically but sometimes platonically) is seen to be receiving the attention of someone else. The connection can be current, or a remnant of a previous, but still smouldering, relationship.

One has to remind oneself that jealousy is an emotion. And like all emotions, it is not rational. In other words, it is not an intellectual realization that can be thought away so easily. When someone feels jealousy, they are being informed by a very primitive and basic part of their brain that undoubtedly served an important purpose in our evolution.

It's important to recognize possessiveness when talking about jealousy in the context of relationships. Jealousy and possession are co-pilots. When you see, for example, your current or ex-girlfriend having a nice (even flirty) conversation with someone else (maybe a potential suitor in your mind), your amygdala goes on alert and you prepare to fight. But what are you fighting for? In the most basic sense, you are fighting for someone who you must feel you have some ownership over. Right? Whether or not you actually believe this in the moment, that is what is happening. As we evolved and took mates, it was beneficial to ward or fight off other individuals who could be competition for your sperm or egg. It made evolutionary sense. But humans have the capacity to move on from this base instinct, and we need to dig deeper into where it comes from to get through the fog of jealous emotions.

When one steps back and considers a feeling of jealousy, and connects it with the instinct of possessing a mate, it becomes very clear that this is a false belief. No one can possess another person, at least not legally in all civilized societies. Of course, in the world of D/s, "owning" a slave or submissive is a very common reality, but is part of the fantasy of the power exchange. A girlfriend, or wife, or close friend, is not something you can ever own. They are their own person, a free agent, who can do whatever they want.

So if we continue on with the characterization of a jealous response as a threat to one's perceived ownership over another, we have to think about why the threat is perceived. Why is it a threat? Anyone you perceive as a threat is obviously someone who possesses the same or better qualities as you, right? Otherwise why would you be worried? A jealous person is reacting emotionally to the idea that the competition will take their possession away. And if we go even further, I would argue that the feeling of a threat is based on a feeling of inadequacy, which goes straight to a lack of self esteem.

Think about it. If you believed that you were not inadequate, you would not perceive the other suitor as a threat at all. What possible concern could you have if you knew that your qualities were not something anyone else could possess in the way you possess them?

So now that we see that jealousy has nothing to do with anyone else but ourselves, we need to examine our self esteem, think hard about what makes us worthy and unique, and start to build ourselves up in our minds and realize that we are all amazing in our own way and that no one could possibly compete with us.

Careful, though, don't let this go to your head. You can be self-confident and humble at the same time. Self-confidence minus humility equals arrogance. And no one likes that.

We've only been talking about jealousy and monogamous relationships to this point, but what happens when we add multiple intimate partners to the mix? Sounds like pouring gasoline on a fire, doesn't it? Unless you have your jealous instincts sorted out, it's a recipe for disaster. And even the most experienced, self-aware, psychologically sound people in poly relationships sometimes get jealous. But they know that this instinct is just that, an irrational emotion based on primitive parts of our brain getting activated. The solution is to identify the emotion, let it in, think about where it comes from and then allow yourself to realize that there is no reason for it. A calm, adult conversation about it usually follows, with perhaps some boundaries set. But there is at least the acknowledgement of something that is not quite right.

I am in a relationship right now (my marriage to my wife of 13 years) where we both have other partners. Her relationship with her other partner is hers and hers alone. It has nothing to do with me. I respect her connection with this man and she respects our marriage and our personal relationship to each other and the family unit. I, too, have had multiple partners, mostly kinky play, and she respects these arrangements for what they are. No one could ever come close to her in my mind in terms of a life partner.

I have also been a submissive in a D/s relationship where there were other slaves in the Domme's domain (harem?). I knew my place and knew that none of the other submissives could ever possibly "replace" me. How could they? I am unique. But so are they. It goes both ways. The attention I received from my mistress was the attention she felt she needed to give me. And if I didn't feel like the amount or quality of attention I received was adequate for my needs, I had the ability to express my feelings and leave the relationship if there was no middle ground

Before concluding, I think it's important to make the distinction between envy and jealousy, as they are different things in my mind. Jealousy is an irrational emotion, whereas envy is more of an intellectual realization of someone else's situation that you would very much like to be in. I experience envy all the time, and am usually successful in focusing instead on the blessings in my life, but also with the knowledge that how you perceive someone else's situation is rarely their reality. That billionaire on the mega yacht might not have a single loving, nurturing relationship in his life and could be on the verge of a mental breakdown from the insane lifestyle he is leading. Who knows?

So if you find yourself feeling jealous, turn your attention away from the people involved and look inward. Ask yourself why you feel this way and what you could do to increase your self esteem. Maybe it's stopping something that makes you hate yourself? Start there and be gentle with your mind and heart. Once you realize that you are enough, and do not need to compete, you will become so much happier and will have the capacity to love more openly, freely and unconditionally.

You can do it.

Reflections on the 2022 Vancouver Fetish Weekend

Sun. Sweat. Sexiness. Rubber. Fun. Friendship.  Sweat.  Did I mention sweat? Maybe that's just me. This is the Vancouver Fetish Weekend ...