There was a time in my life when I thought that the process of obtaining consent in a BDSM scene meant that I wouldn’t be able to have as much fun. I thought that negotiating a scene and talking about what I wanted to do and what the other person wanted to do was somehow removing the spontaneity of the interaction. I wanted to surprise my play partner with the many demented and perverted ideas I had decided on acting out for the scene.
This attitude, of course, was full of pitfalls and opened the door wide for a potential violation of any consent I was given, and I unfortunately learned after one session that I had done just that. I found out about it a couple weeks later when she explained to me how uncomfortable she had felt during a part of the evening. I was completely shocked and horrified and spent the next couple years feeling absolutely sick about it. I eventually forgave myself and had decided right after it happened to never, ever allow something like that to happen again.
So what of this idea that negotiating and consent is somehow taking away from some undefinable magic of a BDSM session? Even if you feel this way (and I intend to argue against why you should), it doesn’t matter. Regardless of how you feel, the person you are playing with needs to know the kinds of things that you, as the top, want to do. They need to know these things so they can tell you in advance if something is a trigger, or too scary, or beyond the scope of their limits. The mistake I made was thinking that this conversation took something away from the eventual performance, like peeking behind the curtain at a play. But it doesn’t have to be.
I liken the negotiation and gaining of consent before a BDSM scene to a server in a restaurant describing to you the various dishes in a chef’s plate meal. You are fully aware of what is coming, and can let the server know right away if there is something that you might find distasteful, or even if something might trigger an allergy. But does this in any way make the food less delicious? Of course not. There is still so much opportunity for mystery and surprise when you get the food. You know the type of dish and the ingredients, but how the chef (or in our case, the top) decides to combine these elements into something wonderful is totally an example of their talent and art in action.
Plus, talking about the things you want to do or experience with each other before a session can be super fucking hot. It’s a form of foreplay, and a way to get the creative juices flowing. Often times the bottom will have ideas of their own to enhance the top’s plan or even surprise the top with wanting to take something even further. You’ll never know until you talk about it.
Now, the people out there who intentionally violate consent or totally disregard its importance are just plain assholes. Or even worse, they are harmful. Mistakes happen and sometimes lines get crossed, and I think we should all try to cut someone some slack for something that was not intended (if there is clear remorse and an apology) but even this has its limits. Some infractions go too far, and ultimately it doesn’t matter how sorry someone is if they clearly violated someone’s consent and harm was done.
So, just get it into your head that negotiation and consent is absolutely mandatory and that you cannot play without it. Even people who have played together for years sometimes fuck up. Just because you think you know each other well, you can never assume that you can disregard proper negotiation. People change, limits change, nothing stays the same forever.
So, become – and stay – safe, sane and consensual. And keep it sexy.
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